For Gen X and elder Millennials, this is the definitive "hot Tarzan." He was clean-shaven, perfectly coiffed, and looked like he smelled like sandalwood and aggression. We cannot ignore the 1999 Disney animated film. Is a cartoon "hot"? Usually, no. But Disney animators drew Tarzan with a level of anatomical detail that made parents shift uncomfortably in their seats.

But "hot" in the 30s meant chaste. The most erotic thing Weissmuller did was yell at a lion. No, the real heat arrived when the costume department realized that "loincloth" is just two flaps of leather and a prayer. If you search "Tarzan hot movie" on the deep web of Reddit forums, one name comes up religiously: Miles O’Keeffe in Tarzan, the Ape Man (1981).

Tarzan is the ultimate "noble savage" fantasy. He is raw nature. He doesn't have a 401(k) or a toxic ex. He has muscles, loyalty, and a complete lack of social anxiety. In a world of dating apps and Zoom calls, watching a ripped man fight a leopard and then look confused by a hairbrush is, apparently, peak escapism.

So, whether you came here for Christopher Lambert’s brooding intensity in Greystoke (1984), Alexander Skarsgård’s shirtless CGI-assisted run in The Legend of Tarzan (2016), or the glorious cheese of the 80s, we welcome you.