I raise my bow.

The calluses on my fingertips are the only map I need. They are rough, permanent, and ugly, sitting just below the first knuckle. My classmates spend their allowance on cherry-scented hand cream to impress boys. I spend mine on rosin and gut strings. They don’t know that pain is not the enemy of beauty. It is the prerequisite.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to throw my violin case onto the Yamanote Line tracks and watch the trains turn it to splinters. But I just looked out the window at the flashing billboards and said, “I will fix it.”

I realize, standing there on the stage, that I do not know if I will get the chair. I do not know if I will be first violin or last chair or sent home with a “thank you for your time.”

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